PART I: Before, During & After Depression

Before Depression: I am a writer. And a damn good one. During Depression: I’m a fake. I can’t really write.

Before Depression: Dear God, even if the world goes to hell today, I’m grateful to you. During Depression: Dear God, what a beautiful day I just had. I wish I could die now.

Before Depression: I’m happy and content with where I am in life. During Depression: My friends lead such good lives. Why can’t I have what they have?

Before Depression: “Curtis, you look gorgeous.” Me: “I know, right?” (flips hair) During Depression: “Curtis, you look gorgeous.” Me: (turns away)

Before Depression: “Curtis, what you’re doing for your mom is incredible.” Me: I can do better. (smiles) During Depression: “Curtis, what you did for your mom was incredible.” Me: (looks away)

Before Depression: I can’t afford to get sick. Let’s do this! More energy, more happy! During Depression: Unknown condition in 2015. Ovarian surgery in Jan. Therapy in March. Gastro treatment in May. Biopsy in Feb. Pills, tablets, and blood tests galore.

Before Depression: Bossily spearheads fun social activities with football team. During Depression: Ignores calls, SMSes and invites from football team.

Before Depression: Gets slammed by a football at least twice a week. During Depression: What is a football?

Before Depression: Jeet kune do Sundays. During Depression: Stare-at-the-wall Sundays.

Before Depression: Crying means you’ve given up. We do not cry. Not yet. During Depression: “Make the crying stop, damn it.”

Before Depression: I love my family. I love my friends. I love the world. During Depression: “Make me care again, Doctor.”

Before Depression: Feels guilty when I can’t help someone. During Depression: Feels guilty for not caring about helping anyone.

Before Depression: When are you coming home? Me: “Christmas.” During Depression: When are you coming home? Me: “I don’t know.”

Before Depression: I love talking to people and hear their stories. During Depression: No story can touch me.

Before Depression: Thank you for this day, Lord. During Depression: Lord, make the day go fast so that I can finally go to sleep again.

Before Depression: “How do you see yourself five years from now?” Me: “As the editor of my favourite women’s or travel magazine.” During Depression: “How do you see yourself five year from now?” Me: “I don’t look that far in the future.” “OK, in two years’ time?” Me: “No.” “Then how far?” Me: “Later.”

Before Depression: Wow! I am surrounded by blessed people. Thank you, Lord! Let’s all be happy for one another. During Depression: Wow. Why is everyone around me so blessed? Why wasn’t I blessed?  Fuck this life. Fuck everyone. Fuck me.

Before Depression: I am a resourceful bitch that sees only green lights ahead. During Depression: There are red lights everywhere so what’s the point?

Before Depression: Suicide will gain you entrance to Hell. During Depression: Really, am I not in Hell yet?

Before Depression: Don’t kill yourself, I’ll help you with whatever you’re going through. During Depression: If you kill yourself, I’ll kill your girlfriend. I’ll kill everyone you love.

Before Depression: My friends love me. And why not? During Depression: My friends hate me. And why not?

Before Depression: I’m tight likethis with God. Christ is my Bro. During Depression: Why did You do this to me? I thought You were my Bro.

Before Depression: No matter how much I eat, I don’t get fat. Thank you…? During Depression: Six kilograms in three weeks? This is where hell begins.

Before Depression: Flakes on a friend due to work. During Depression: Flakes on a friend to stare at the wall.

Before Depression: I can do anything because I can. During Depression: WHAT FOR?

Before Depression: How did I get here? (smiles) Thank you, Lord! During Depression: How did I get here? (looks down from 12th floor balcony)

BEFORE ANYONE WORRIES ABOUT ME, please tune in for PART II: Before, During & After Depression where I list down all the positive things I learned AFTER depression – though I’m not really there yet. But we are on our way, don’t ya worry, kids!

Featured Image by © Photo taken in Perth, Australia (Feb 2013).


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