When you have depression, everybody becomes a liar.
Your friends lie to you. Because they don’t want to further burden you with their issues. How can you handle their shit when you can’t even get your shit together? So you tell them you’re fine.
Your family lies to you. Because they don’t wanna add to your worries; to add to their guilt for making you worry. How can you solve their problems when you can’t even solve yours? So you say you can take it.
Your best friend lies to you. Because she’s afraid you would simply stop reaching out and close in on yourself. How can she admit that your depression is too much for her at the moment when you’d clearly flounder alone? So you speak of other things.
Your boss lies to you. Because he’s wary that you would fuck up his business on your “journey to BETTER”. How can you work for money when you don’t even care to spend on your well-being anymore? So you just keep nodding.
Your therapist lies to you. Because he sees that you have a hard time acknowledging certain truths about yourself. How can you be honest with him when you don’t even know when you’re being honest to yourself? So you yell at him.
You lie to yourself. Because you can’t let go of what was even when you don’t even remember who you were anymore. How can you take care of someone whose needs you now don’t even know? So you don’t.
And the biggest liar of all – your mind. It lies so often that you can’t believe you’re OK when it tells you you’re OK. How can you trust your own mind when it always lulls you into believing you’re safe when you aren’t? So you put it to sleep.
Nobody – not your family, your friends or your mind – tells or will tell you the full truth all the time. And it’s OK.
But YOU. You must learn how to be honest to yourself. How are you feeling? Why are you feeling this way? What can make it stop? Why are you doing this? Why aren’t you doing that? What are you afraid of? What do you really hate? Why are you so angry? Who really loves you? What or who is (still) truly important to you?
I don’t know. I can’t explain. I don’t where to start. These are what depressed people mostly say. Because the truth is, you don’t want to care to know WHY anymore. You just want everything to. STOP. NOW.
But the only way for IT to stop is to stop lying to yourself. Your mind is your enemy now. But before, it was your friend. And it can be your friend again. How to do this?
Don’t say, I don’t know. You KNOW. YOU know. You knew yourself before. You will have to get to know yourself once more.
The YOU you liked and loved before, she was not perfect. She was neither good nor bad. She was neither kind nor evil. Before you fell in love, before you lost that love, there was YOU. You who had her own mind, her own life, and her own world before she knew love and pain.
Stop lying to yourself. You know who YOU really are.